Friday, January 31, 2003
I have had so many different reasons for being weird about food.
1. I hate cooking
2. I don't know how to cook
3. Cooking takes far too long (Mr Noodle take too long... sometimes I eat them raw)
4. Frying scares the shit out of me as I worry about flames outbreaking all the time (abuse issues)
5. I have worried that cancers and stuff like that are a population control and are part of our manufactured food chain
6. I feel Noodles are safe from this mucking around
7. No real point here just wanted to make seven not feel left out and blank
8 ADHD? HUH?
9. No in German
So there ya go. Anyhow, I have decided to make an entry daily or as often as I remember on what I ate today.
Starting with today.
1. Pot of Rice with ketchup (don't have anything else)
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Re: Childrens Aid Society
A Letter to Aylmer Family Web Site And All Concerned:
My name is John Dunn. I am a former Crown Ward of the Catholic Childrens Aid
Society of Metropolitain Toronto, (Exec. Dir. Mary McConville)
I would like this letter to be published in any location you wish it to, as
long as it holds true to it's original form.
I would also like to request an exchange of web site links
I do not personally support using objects to punish a child.
I do however believe the following.
I John Dunn, after living in the foster care system in Ontario for sixteen
years of my life, along with my brother Ron Dunn for most of those years,
feel that a life in foster care, can be absolute terror, and torture for
many of the kids who end up in the system.
My brother and I were moved through 13 foster homes before we were 18.
My brother and I suffered abuse in foster care, by foster parents.
My brother and I suffered neglect by the foster care agency known as the
Catholic Children's Aid Society.
My brother and I lost more friends than can the human spirit can handle
while under the authority of the Catholic Childrens Aid Society Of
My brother and I went through more schools than most Canadian citizens.
I am going to give some examples of what I have suffered while in foster
care, and only for a four year period in the same home.
I used to wet the bed, and as a punishment for wetting the bed, I would be
taken down into the basement by a foster father, and sat repeatedly on a
wood burning stove until my pajamas would sizzle.
I was also pushed head first into that same wood burning stove, while the
coals were glowing inside.
I had the foster parent kneel down in front of me and put plyers on my penis
in order to scare me out of wetting the bed.
I also one day had my head stuffed into and flushed in the bowl of the
toilette because I made it over flow with a large bowel movement. I remember
thinking I was going to drown and die.
We had our hands burned by matches for playing with matches in the Cement
basement of the house.
(Potentially reasonable punishment
with the severity of potential outcome
of playing with matches)
I am not going to go on about other things I have seen, but I just wanted to
give you what I have had happen to me.
As a result of those punishments, I now have a severe fear of fire, gas
(explosives) and anything flamable which makes me fear engines, ovens,
compressed gas canisters and the like. These fears directly impede my
ability to obtain employment in many areas of work due to my terror of fire
such as welding, engine / auto work etc.
Also, growing up, I was so scared to use a toilette, I ended up trying to
hold my bowel movements much longer, causing me to soil my clothes until my
This caused me incredible emotional trauma at school as kids found out,
because I tried to take my bowel movements at school in the forest, or
behind the school getting caught and ridiculed, spat on, and kicked, simply
to avoid using a toilette which might flood, making me absolutely terrified.
I also used to take bowel movements into a shoe box and throw it out the
window at the age of 12, almost six years after the fact, for fear of
flooding a toilette.
Even to this day, I get a panic when I flush a toilette. This is something I
know will not happen to me today, but I still feel a terror when I see the
water rising in the bowl.
As a result of the constant moving from foster home to foster home, I have
never been able to have constant friends growing up
always been the new kid in school
never was able to form any hobbies or skills as they were always being
uprooted and interupted
have my life frozen in 13 time periods where almost anything triggers
memories of those places, and people such as smells, sights, songs, and
did not meet my mother until I was 10 years old
did not meet my two sisters until I was 10 years old
was separated from my only brother who was my whole family most of my life
when I was 13 years old
These are just some of the results of moving through multiple foster homes
that i can whip off the top of my head while writing this email.
I have written this letter as a show of support in some, but not all issues
with your Family Aid Initiative.
Even to this day, the Catholic Childrens Aid Society and other Child
Protection Service Agencies, are keeping quite busy hiding all of the abuse
that has been inflicted upon far too many of the innocent children in foster
care which is documented in the files that were kept on these children who
were abused in the system, or neglected in the system by their "legal
I know this as a fact, because I have been trying for two years to obtain
simple photocopies of the files they kept about my life in foster care with
absolutly no success what so ever.
The Catholic Childrens Aid Society of Toronto, and more specifically, Mary
McConville, the Executive Director of this said agency, claim that the
reason for not ever allowing the files or copies of the files to leave the
secure confines of the CCAS building itself are to ensure the "physical and
emotional" well being of third parties mentioned in the files.
This is a blanket statement as far as I am concerned which descriminates
against all former foster kids calling them violent, and malicious people
with intent to hurt anyone from their past.
There is nothing farther from the truth. As everyone who knows me today
would testify, I have no anger towards those who have abused me. I do have
the abuse as issues in my life, but no anger towards the individuals
What I do have, is torture and anger over the agency keeping my life and the
life of my mother, whom I loved very much since I met her, at age 10 until
she committed suicide from the overbearing guilt of having her four children
stolen from her, and dragged through an abusive system mounting in me as
they refuse to give me copies of the files I have been requesting for two
They claim that the files will potentially harm myself in reading them as
another excuse. But I have since pushed to the point of being allowed to go
into the building and view copies of some of the files with names blanked
out of all dentists, psychiatrists, teachers, foster parents, and anyone
else who is a part of my past, but even still, they will not let me take
them off the property of the CCAS.
The reason they are not letting people have copies of the files, outside of
the building is because of one thing, and one thing only.
The files, are written, documented proof of abuse and neglect administred by
the foster care agencies them selves. In those documents I read about the
abuses I had done to me. Do you think they would ever let that out of the
building on their letter heads, and forms? Never. Would you if you were
I can only imagine the public outcry if those files were able to be made
public without peoples names even. The public would not beleive the horrible
attrocities being committed to families who are of low income, and mental
disorders, or falsly accused, as well as the life long tortures of being
dragged throught the foster care system, labelled as a foster kid, trouble
maker, someone who's family did not want them (untrue) and so on and so on.
I admit I have anger and hurt inside from the agencies not allowing me to
have copies of MY life. And I also admit to having a clean criminal record,
not being voilent, and no matter how angry i may become on this issue, I
would never commit a violent act upon any member of the agency or against
any one in my past.
These files are the only connection I have to my past, as I do not have any
association with anyone before my age of 18 years old. This is the only
reason I want to have copies of the files of MY life and of my Mothers life
before she killed herself.
I am ready and willing to go public on my life in foster care, and if you
ever need to get hold of me, please contact Jane Scharf at email@example.com or
myself at firstname.lastname@example.org
I have so much more to say, but this has been enough for now.
But I do have a motto for my own life, and only my life, which anyone can
quote me on anywhere, that says...
"If you are going to be abused, it might as well be at home"
Foster Care Survivor
Canadian After Foster Care Web Site
Foster Care Internet Radio
(have your say on public internet radio)
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Anyhow, with the depression that my brother suffers from due to the repeated traumas in foster care, he has a hard time dealing in life, so he tends to be rather alone. He keeps to himself, and drinks much and often.
This is what I could not help but notice when I saw a card she wrote him and what it had in it. He loves his little girl more than anything, but he told me once he fears letting her down, and that he is not a good father, etc, (but he is amazing with her) I just wanted to share this writing from her heart.
I love you. I miss you. Why did you livfe my life?
plaese come back!. You were a great dad to me!
I'm losing you in my heat.
I do not want that to happen.
"PLEASE, COME BACK!!"
XXXXXXCENSORED FOR PROTECTION FROM CAS ABDUCTIONXXXXXX
(Sad Face Picture)
SONG OF MY OWN TO:DAD!
Note: It is about loving someboty
I love you ___, so much___ I do not know what to do___ho!ho!ho!___ I love you Dad___ you are so so so___, caring I do not know what to think___, of you___ow,a ow___, beccuse___, you___, are___, so___, ni___ice, to me ___e, and so thoughtful to me_e.
If you love me___, You___, we would be___loving___each other___, and caring___, about_, each___, other___.
I love you___, so much___, I do not know what to do___, ho!ho!ho!___, I love you___, DaD___, you are so so so___, caring I do not know what becouse___, you___are___, so___, ni___ice, to me___e, and so thoughful to me___e.
XXXXXXCENSORED FOR PROTECTION FROM CAS ABDUCTIONXXXXXX
Friday, January 24, 2003
I am not a criminal of any kind, and hence am quite confused as to why Mary McConville is treating me, and thousands of other former foster kids like we are.
Please read this and tell me what you think by emailing both me and Mary McConville, by clicking on the following link Click Here
I just wanted to know if it is ok that the citizens of
Ontario's tax dollars go to a Mary McConville,
Executive Director of Catholic Childrens Aid Society
Toronto, at a sum of $141,171.18 annually, in order to
have her simply ignore my repeated requests as a
former crown ward of their agency for sixteen years of
my life, for my records ABOUT ME and my DECEASED
MOTHER which I am legally entitled to, and have the
full support and permission of my birth family.
She has not once replied to me exept the very first
time I asked two years ago and she just bounced me
back to the department that said I had to ask her.
For two years I have been trying to get copies of the
records she holds in the archive room on me and she
refuses to give them to me.
She claims that "all former foster kids are violent
and malicious" and will either physically or mentally
harm the people mentioned in those documents such as
former foster parents, doctors, psychiatrists,
teachers and anyone else mentioned in them.
I have given her permission over and over and over to
blank out the names of these third party people, and
have also told her (via email) that I find it
descriminatory based on Family Status to say
all former foster kids are "violent and malicious".
If I had of wanted to commit any act of violence
against anyone mentioned in the documents I would have
already. I have been out of the system since 1988 and
am 32 years old.
I have a clean criminal record, and am so far from
violent it is not funny. Having been abused in foster
care all my life I am so timid I could not hit a fly.
Anyhow, if this is where our tax dollars are going,
simply to hide the agencies from public scruteny, well
I don't know what to say.
Canadian After Foster Care Website
CBC - OUTFRONT My Show Aired Sept 12 2002 11:45am CBC RADIO
Canadian Stories By Canadians (Yes You!)
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
I love you Ronnie
Saturday, January 18, 2003
I know I know, some of you right now just said, hey dude, prayin for a job is not going to get you one. Well if you take the time to read on, you will see I have been very active in trying to find a job. Also, as of Friday I gave Trapeze Animation the references he asked for, plus a couple of reference letters, and links to my web site which he asked for.
I am hoping it is enough to get me in, but I highly doubt it as there are apparently a swamp of applications for the Job and many of those are probably quite farther ahead than I am on computers.
So we will see what happens. If I do not get the job, I will be applying to E.I for the self employment assistance and will hopefully be able to start my own computer repair service. On the foster care front, well nothing realy new here. I have left Mary McConville of the Catholic Childrens Aid Society alone for a while and will again be asking for her answer in writing as to why I am not allowed to have my copies of my files.
I have also asked the web editing company if they could explain to me when the deadline is for the CCAS to allow me to ad a link to their site because CCAS told me they would not add my site on their links page because they have a contract with the the web editing company called Digital Eve that says they can not add or change the web site for six months after digital eve finished with it.
I think I will send that email to digital eve as they might not belive me.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Trapeze Animation Studio
tel. (001) 902 368 7700
fac. (001) 902 367 7710
This will confirm that John Dunn did an extrodinary amount of
volunteer work for the Coalition to End Child Restraints from April
2002 until the current time.
He put up our Website promotes and manages the site which we are very
He also helped compose and distribute other material and helped set up
and execute two protests in Ottawa.
I found John very cooperative, conscientious and enthusiastic while
engaged in a team effort. He made significant contributions to the
creative and intellectual
content of our project.
I could relay on him to deliver on all commitments he made to our
project in a professional and
He will be a great asset to any enterprise.
Coordinator of CECR, Jane Scharf
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
I have added an After Foster Care Internet Radio page, and have also got a competition going at the site to create a logo for the After Foster Care Internet Radio Station as well.
You can go see the site by clicking here. You will not loose this Journal as it opens in a new web browser. So when you are finished with the web site, you simply close that window, and you will be taken back to here automatically.
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
I am just thinking it is not that bad.. I miss the Vatikan very much... but I will survive. (The link opens in a new window so you will not loose your spot here.)
I am workin on my new version of the 2003 web site for release, and listening to winamp's shoutcast.com stations. Very good service. I can even broadcast myself. Which brings me back. I am going to start a Canadian Foster Care Radio Show. I would like this show to be on the internet and to involve YOU!
If you have something to say, and would like your voice heard on the station, all opinions are heard, and read on the air. I would love your feedback on the idea of a foster care radio station as well.
Go to my site and join the discussion club at http://afterfostercare.tripod.com